The Five Love Languages

Getty Images 'Quality Time'

'Our Kenny', otherwise known as Kenny Pierce @ Redneck Peril, who started off as a reader of my blog, and ended up getting fan mail on All Things Beautiful, has now been allocated special 'Kenny bandwidth', specifically to cater for his long comments on my previous post 'Theology Matters', and 'You Just Need to Walk Away'. And my readers are loving it!

We were both featured by one of my favorites -  Hugh Hewitt, originally myself only, in relation to my coverage of Hugh's 'not to be missed'  'One True God Blog', and then as his introduction to the real star of my blog - 'Our Kenny' -  the Author of the 'Longest Comment in the History of the Bloggosphere'.

Now, I will tell you the story about the 'Five Languages of Love', told in a simple e-mail to me by 'Our Kenny', and posted here as a great read:

"There are five ways that humans express love; but for each of us, while we may like all five, only two or three actually make us FEEL loved. We need to be loved; but more specifically, each of us needs to be loved in one or two of these particular love languages.

The five languages are:

1. Words of affirmation.
2. Acts of service.
3. Quality time.
4. Gifts.
5. Physical touch.

Getty Images 'Physical touch'

Gary Smalley includes questionnaires in his excellent book called "The Five Love Languages", to help you figure out what your primary and secondary languages are. On a scale from one to 12, I'm a 12 on physical touch and hardly register on anything else, meaning that if somebody wants me to feel loved they get more mileage out of a friendly punch in the arm than they do out of saying what a wonderful guy I am. My wife is quality time and words of affirmation. My dad is quality time; my mom is acts of service and gifts; my mother-in-law is gifts, as was my late grandmother.

Getty Images 'Acts of service'

In marriage, since the odds are that your language is not the same as your spouse's, an understanding of this dynamic can make a huge difference. You can't learn to feel loved by receiving a non-native love language, but you can certainly learn to speak your spouse's love language to him. Hypothetical example: you are quality time, but your husband is acts of service. He works himself silly doing chores around the house. Meanwhile you're sitting in the living room crying because,"My husband doesn't love
me any more," because he never stops doing things in order to just sit and be with you. Now, no matter how much you tell yourself, "He's doing this because he loves me," you won't feel loved. But if he tells himself, "She really needs me to stop washing the dishes for here and instead sit and talk to her for a while," then he CAN do that, and then she feels loved. You just have to learn to express love in the language the other person needs instead of in the language you want to receive yourself -- to become multi-lingual in love, as it were.

Getty Images   'Words of Affirmation'  I will not be quoting here  the all too well publicized words of affirmation from Prince Charles to his now Duchess of Cornwall whilst they were 'still dating'  (very unorthodox shall we say!)

It's not just marriage. My wife, as I said, is words of affirmation and quality time, while neither she nor I care in the slightest about presents. I used to bring home flowers and such because I had always heard women liked that stuff, but eventually I realized that when I would bring home a present my wife's immediate reaction would be, "Oh, God, I wonder how much THAT cost us?" followed somewhat belatedly by, "Of course it was a sweet thing for him to do." And then, "But I hope it wasn't too expensive."

So every Mother's Day, my wife would call her mom, and my mom, and (before she died) my grandmother, and talk to them awhile (quality time) about how much she appreciated them (words of affirmation). Then she and I read this book, and started realizing how much of our marital conflict was coming from not understanding this dynamic. And eventually the penny dropped: she realized, "Our moms are gift people.

Getty Images 'Gifts' - The Taylor Quads

The next Mother's Day, instead of calling the moms, Dessie had flowers delivered to both moms and my grandmother...and all three women called HER, literally in tears because they were so moved. And Dessie thought, "Oh, Lord, have I been stupid all these years or what?""

Channeling Glen Reynplds @ Instapundit again today, I say: "Food for thought this weekend"
And Kenny, the answer to your question lies in the 'Quality Time' photograph.

Comments

[Melissa]

The Five Love Languages book was written by Gary Chapman, NOT Gary Smalley.

[drew barton]

Since reading this, Alexandra, I have had lots of fun trying the five love languages out. But now, I feel I've been screwed. What to do, when all five are wanted?

It goes something like this: "Now that you've mentioned this, you've really been neglecting me on the 3., 2., and 5.,... oh wait, I don't ever remember the 1. And don't get me started on the 4.,... NOT since our honeymoon....!"

I'm in trouble - HELP!

BTW, feel free to take a pot-shot at decoding 1.- 5. ;-)

[russ willliams]

Baroness, you've done it again, daaling. Your selection of visuals ... truly inspired!

I've long been a fan of Smalley. I helped him with a local advertising campaign some 23 years ago, when he was still a relative unknown. His ability to marry, pardon the pun, insight with practical application has been his hallmark. The Five Love Languages is, in my opinion, his best work. Thanks for illustrating the main points of his book.

[Alexandra]

Kenny,

It was taken in Fjord Kjerag, Lysefjord, Rogaland, Norway....(what a tongue twister)

The Lysefjord in Ryfylke is one of the most spectacular fjords in Norway. All Norwegian fjords are different in character, but with the surrounding mountains plunging straight into the fjord,(my newly found word, it's right up there with 'articulate'LOL, let's see how many times I can repeat it in one sentence) the Lysefjord is a unique and breathtaking experience. Much of the 45 km long fjord passes between towering cliffs and mountains. The most famous of them is the Pulpit Rock, rising a sheer 600 metres from the fjord. A cruise or ferry ride into Lysefjorden brings you past both the impressive Pulpit Rock and the towering Kjerag mountain ridge.

I had such fun selecting this picture. Everytime I look at it, my toes and fingers tingle. You have of course spotted immediately the truly amazing aspect of this wedged bolder: it's 1,000 meters suspened in mid-air above the fjord. They call it the Kjeragbolten and you will enjoy a short travel story here (when it comes to the 'Kjeragbolten'it says: "In my opinion this is one of nature's wonders and it is certainly one of the most amazing natural motifs that I have come across. Kjeragbolten is a big rock that has fallen into a crack in the mountain and there it has been wedged into the crack. And it is possible to make your way out on the rock and from a certain angle it looks amazing. [...] Yes, the rock is really located 1000 meter above the fjord so the knees have a tendency of being a bit weak when you walk on to the rock...."

My husband loves rock-climbing too but, and yes, he has also been grounded. As we speak he is sitting and gazing in awe at this very photograph, reminiscing about the days gone by... He is a bit of a Kamikaze polot when it comes to heights in general, he adores them, the higher the better, the more dangerous the more exilarating, and I simply have to watch in amamzement, whilst my toes curl up and the emotions well up inside me until I completely lose my temper and start hyperventilating into a frenzy full of blame about ending up a widow....I would have to be tranquilized to end up in that bear hug position depicted, or alternately bribed with some serious 'quality time' promise that would have to start with a y.... rather than an m.. for months or a d.. for days!

[Kenny Pierce]

Alexandra,

I get no credit for this one; it's all in Smalley's Book, which I recommend without reservation.

Those pictures are awesome. Especially "Quality Time," though I'd never be able to star in that particular photograph since I'd insist on my wife as a co-star and she'd never set foot on that boulder. I, on the other hand, am salivating at the mere thought...I grew up free-climbing all over all kinds of rock faces and such, but was, shall we say, urged into retirement once I had kids. I think Dessie's "urging" ran something like this: "If you get yourself killed falling off a rock and leave me alone with these kids I'll never forgive you." Reluctantly, I had to confess that she had a valid point, and thus I entered into retirement, taking a giant step toward my decrepit middle age...

But vicarious pleasures are better than no pleasure at all, and that picture brought me a great deal of vicarious pleasure.

Do you by any chance know where it was taken?

P.S. I don't really resent Dessie's making me stop, I should be careful to say. Besides, I wouldn't be able to climb anymore anyway, due to a lower back injury...but I still like lookin' at the pictures.